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Failing The Italian Coronavirus Pre-Apocalypse


Let me start by saying that pre-apocalyptic times suck. I woke up to a quarantined Italy as a result of not only the coronavirus but idiot Italians who tried to escape the initial northern area quarantine. The best part of this behavior is that the Italians, in general, have an issue with people fleeing wars and famine. But they don’t want to feel the burden of being inconvenienced, so they ran off to the sea like a health crisis was a holiday.


I recognize that despite staying put, I am still failing at this pre-apocalyptic Italy from my lack of preparation. In all of my apocalyptic daydreams. I was a badass zombie-killing bitch leading my post-apocalyptic crew through the end of days like a boss. Unfortunately for me, my plans never really started in the pre-apocalypse period. The time where we wait to see if the coronavirus will raise its victims to become the walking dead was lost in the fantasy. But in reality, this would be the perfect time to get in shape and prepare for the end of times that are apparently upon us. But instead, I am feeling the weight of first world problems as my amazon orders are taking a week to arrive instead of the usual 48 hours.



Not to mention the fact that I am now the mother of 2 small children. One of which is a 2-year-old who is not at all ready for the survival of the fittest in a world of zombies. In fact, I am sure he would lead to my ultimate demise because he has no chill. I am also quite aware that my fragile sanity will be in question after being quarantined with a toddler for a month. This actually may be a worse fate than an army of the walking dead taking over the earth. By the time the zombies do rise I am not guaranteed to have the mental capacity to survive the next stage of this coming shit show.

So here we are in the coronavirus pre-apocalypse wondering what might be next. This virus is bound to change how we move in this world.



The way we socialize is already changing. There is no more kissing hello that may be how it is from now on. The best part of the coronavirus pre-apocalypse is that Europeans are finally learning to cover their mouths. You would think that on a continent where the plague nearly wiped out a generation they would have won at hygiene ages ago. This is yet another reason I am failing at the pre-apocalypse. I should have seen this coming. I have witnessed adults openly sneezing on public transportation and not giving a shit about spreading their diseases around. But thanks to the coronavirus pre-apocalypse Europeans are finally understanding how to cover their mouths when they sneeze. It will be the biggest win of this epidemic if we survive and there are no zombies.


Having not foreseen this is still an example of how soft I have become and how I am not zombie apocalypse ready. In fact, the annoyance of this pre-apocalyptic period may be what takes me out. Getting basic supplies to help get through this phase is proving to be a mental test, Amazon is taking a week to deliver. This isn't the type of survival I was expecting to have to deal with. Not to mention that the travel restrictions are potentially keeping my cleaning woman away. This can't be how I die, driven insane by a toddler in a dirty house without survival chocolates. It's just not very sexy.


Not to mention the extreme irony of the Italians taking the lead on combating a virus that attacks the respiratory system. These are after all a group of people who have no fear of the dangers of second-hand smoking. They seemingly encourage lung cancer at an early age and are completely unbothered by death by tobacco. Italians are ready to die pretty horrible deaths but if it is preceded by a cold that is where the line is drawn. No one here wants a cold ever, but a little cancer among friends is quite alright.


I in no way question the dangers of this virus, but the rest of the world seems ready to let natural selection run its course. The Italian diligence associated with containing this virus is really impressive. They are helping its citizens develop the mental fortitude needed to survive when the zombies finally do break loose. If I survive my toddler, I may have a fighting chance as a result of this quarantine. And if nothing else, this time indoors may help Italy solve it's low birth rate issues. Pre-apocalypse coronavirus babies may be what saves the country.



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